COMMUNICATION IN MARRIAGE 06/17/00

Subj: Communication in Marriage
Date: 6/17/00 8:21:26 PM Eastern Daylight Time

Today was lonely. John and Elsa were away from 8:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m. at a seminar on communication in marriage. Knowing it would be a long and potentially depressing day for me, Elsa reviewed how to operate the CD player - and suggested that I think about my own experience with communication in marriage. Both suggestions were godsends and I was in pretty good spirits when they returned.

Pete & I were married long before the term "marriage enrichment" was coined. The thought of sitting around with other couples - including people we knew - to consider ways to deepen our relationship would have seemed strange. Of course, we also did not have the many distractions and challenges today's married couples face. Pete worked and I took care of the children. I did not consider myself suffocated, but in the fullness of my use. I remember many years back, a person who knew me through my political activities asked what I did, if I went out to work. I said, "Oh, no. I stay home and look after my house and children." She said, "Don't you resent that?" I said, "No, I enjoy it. I think I am lucky." I did and I still do.

Through the years, some family members dismissed the relationship I shared with Pete as a "fairy tale." In their eyes, he dominated and I cow-towed. The possibility that we genuinely were partners in every sense seemed hard for them to accept. I felt like they saw me as a squashed cabbage leaf.

Not so, not so. It is true that Pete & I did not fight, although we did disagree. There were certain things we did that helped keep our marriage on an even keel. If I was giving a seminar on communication in marriage, I would emphasize:

>> The power of having a shared faith.
Pete grew up Presbyterian and I was raised in the General Church of the New
Jerusalem, but as adults we came to believe in the same idea of God and the same principles of life. Having a shared faith is powerful stuff in a marriage.

>> The power of respect.
I have heard married couples bait and tear down each other for sport, then say "We are just kidding" or "But it is so lovely making up." In my experience, it is impossible to completely take back an unkind comment; each one leaves a scar, however small.

>> Shared life goals.
Pete loved our faith’s doctrine of use, which guided his life. I hope it has guided mine, even when it has not been the popular or profitable way to go. I recall the horror a family member expressed hearing that I had sold a prime piece of property, asking for only the original price plus the taxes we’d paid. "You OWED it to your children to get as much for it as you could." That was not how I saw it. We bought the lot for a rock bottom price, because the seller wanted to develop the area as an extension of Bryn Athyn; to me, the right thing to do was to pass that savings and intention along. I had one stipulation – that the lot be sold to a couple with young children. The family member did not agree with me, but I know Pete would have.

>> Treat each other like full partners.
Before Pete went into business for himself, he discussed it thoroughly with me. When the children were growing up, they had to come first in my time. When the business was starting and growing, it had to come first in his time. I never doubted that we both came first in each others' hearts.

>> Pray together.
Say grace with the family at dinnertime and prayers together at night. Give thanks everyday for something outside of the two of you.

>> Remember that love does not consist in looking at each other, but together in the same direction.

That is part of what I would say if I held a communication in marriage seminar. One thing I forgot – focus less in the importance of being married and more on marrying someone with whom there is true compatibility. Marry the wrong one, and life turns into a never-ending nightmare; marry the right one, and you will find that fairy tales can come true. It CAN happen to you!

Love to all on this hot, steamy early evening - Mrs. Raymond Lewis Lockhart

reposted in sweet memory of its author, KATHARINE REYNOLDS LOCKHART, by her scribe/daughter, Elsa Lockhart Murphy aka Deev to honor the centenary of Mom's 05/14 birth