PLAIN TALK 07/17/00

this posting refers back to an article Mom wrote - The Velveteen Grammie; it was the first post on this blog (see may 14), but actually written about 6 months after Mom started writing under her own e-mail address (rather than guesting on mine)

Date: Mon, 17 Jul 2000 22:39:07 EDT
Subject: plain talk

Some of the responses I have received about The Velveteen Grammie had me feeling uneasy. At any moment, I expected to read "oh how wise and oh how learned." I wanted to remind everyone that wisdom comes at a cost, but how to start off. Then the perfect answer fell - plop! - into my lap.

A young friend wrote to tell me, "I like it when you talk about your life and your reminiscences and your thoughts and feelings. I got the impression from some of your earlier postings that you were trying to say something "meaningful" from research. I thing the best research you have is your own experience. We can read what all the so-called experts have to say about aging in their books. I like to hear what Grammie Kay has to say about aging from her own experience."

Something to respond to. Good.

It is pleasant to write to all of you about lovely memories and musings on life. Looking backwards to the past was what I did best. Mim wrote a beautiful poem that was published in Theta Alpha Journal titled, Mother's War Stories; interesting, I have not shared many of those particular stories here.

Where I had a rough time was being what my psychologist calls "in the moment." If you were to hear about my experience aging from strictly my perspective, you would hear a great... silence. Because, after Pete died, I saw my only role as one of unquestioning support. Knowing my own mind was not an issue until the past few years. It was for Elsa - since 1976! - but not for me.

If you were to come over to see the summer tree and sit on the couch next to the big chair in the living room, you would be seated right next to the hutch cabinet, which we use as a bookcase. The entire bottom shelf is filled with books on personal development, family dynamics and even several on death.

There is another shelf elsewhere filled with audio tapes. Those books and tapes are what gave me my back bone. (After Pete's death, I was one of those people who had a wishbone where their backbone ought to be.)

Being an Ancient is not all sweetness & light, not all memories of Mrs. Lear by the river bank or rose petals on the coffee table. The young friend who wrote to me seems to be well defined by nature and at ease sharing her thoughts. It is what this Gramster appreciates about her most - she makes me think. It would be hard for someone who is that way to understand being just the opposite. That was me over the past 26 years.

I thank the Lord for all the wonderful mentors who have entered my life over the past three years + ~ counselors of many types, including NC ministers, friends, psychologists, audiotapes and books. I would still be my old self if it had not been for those clear, sweet voices that helped lead me to live in the moment, to see that what is, is (as Kevyn Malloy says) without rebuke to myself or to others.

Recognizing and expressing my own voice came at an apparent great cost - what once seemed dearest to me of all. My family, or at least the appearance of it.

Over the past three years, for one reason or another, all but one of my four living children have told me in no uncertain terms how unhappy they are with the person I have become and each one has basically dropped out of my life. It continues to the next generation, since I do not hear anything for months and months from my grandchildren. Do not break out the handkerchiefs, just heed a word of caution - if you do not allow people to know you as a person, not just a parent, when they are young and let them know you need their support, it is nutty to expect them to do an about face and start seeing you as more when they are middle aged.

Because of those wonderful "voices" in my life, instead of seeing the loss of the appearance of a family as tragedy, I can accept and recognize my children as the individuals they are. At the moment, they are individuals who are not comfortable around their Mom.

There is not much I can do to change it, except to go back to the way I was, - no, I do not think so. If I want them to accept and respect me as an individual, then I have to do the same. So, instead of losing the appearance of a family, I gain the reality of incredible individuals who will always touch my life whether they are in it actively or not. I love them -as them - more than ever, because they are real.

A word of caution about “experts” - strike a balance. Do not automatically accept OR reject what they have to say. Some of them gave this oldie but goodie a whole new perspective - many new perspectives. Memories and musings are nice and pleasant, but living in the glorious moment, with whatever help is at hand, is pure joy.

Am long past my bedtime. Nite nite and God bless - the Ancient One